Do you have that one annoying person on your team? The naysayer, critic, show stopper. It’s exhausting. Meetings go as planned until that person starts talking. They elaborate on how the plan won’t work. They meticulously point out its shortcomings. The plan falls apart without their commitment. And you don’t have it.
NO ONE likes the one who “creates problems”. We’d all like them to just go away. But they’re here.
Here’s a sure fire way to make them more critical.
Over time, you’ve developed a strategy to “deal with them”. You cut them off at some point, in other words you shut them down. Or you let them finish, ignore what they said, and move the meeting on.
But cutting them off or ignoring them just makes them talk faster and longer next time, because they DO want to be heard!
So if that doesn’t work, what does?
When it comes to resolving conflict, undoubtedly the sharpest knife in the cupboard is IFS (Internal Family Systems). And what it uncovers about our inner world, it also teaches us for our outer world:
No voice is simply an expression of someone’s personality.
A naysayer is not who they are. On the contrary, they take risks and encourage others as they coach their kid’s football team.
Every voice plays a role in a relationship system.
Just watch out for it: When that critic leaves, another team member will assume their role. Someone needs to challenge the thinking so it can become more refined.
To resolve conflict, every voice must be heard and respected.
And in open hearted listening lies the magic. As you listen without judgment, you begin to uncover the positive intent behind their annoying behaviour. You invite them to share their perspective, their motives, their fears and their desires. And so the story behind their concerns unfolds.
Turn your critic into your most loyal team member.
Trust builds during this process of hearing someone out. And now you have yourself a playing field for co-creating a shared understanding and alignment. You’ve turned a critic into a committed team member. Does this all happen in one conversation? Not necessarily, but it has happened.
Your challenge is to get into a state of openness and curiosity about the way they see the world. A state where you don’t see them as a threat. They’re simply someone with a perspective shaped by their past or present experience(s).
To get into that inner state of calm and curiosity, you might first need to engage in your own inner dialogue. To hear out the different voices who battle each other inside of you.
The one who wants to have good relationships with everyone. The one who needs to move fast towards results. The one who feels threatened in their authority as a leaders. … Every voice is a voice in a complex system.
Is it time to explore yours?
