Giving constructive criticism is notoriously difficult. Do YOU ever dodge a feedback conversation? You’re not alone!
In our leadership development programmes we often ask our participants: “What conversations do you find the most unpleasant?” The answer across the board is usually:
“Feedback conversations.”
“Why?”
“Because feedback can go sideways. You can’t control how the feedback lands.”
- The receiver could push back, and then you would be the one in the wrong.
- They could get very emotional, and then the conversation could spin into something big and ugly.
- They could comply, but perform worse than before because the feedback demotivated them.
To sum it up: A lot of potential pain, and no guaranteed gain. So better avoid it altogether!
But now you might run into a bigger problem.
Replacing direct communication by toxic behaviour. Because your frustration wants to go somewhere!
And in the context of organisations or any social group, that can take on many forms. One of them is the habit of talking about someone behind their backs, eg.:
- Commiserating with colleagues about a peer who is not delivering.
- Complaining and opinion polling about a colleague who is behaving in a way you find unpleasant.
That doesn’t solve the problem. On the contrary.
These behaviours aggravate the problem.
Because if you talk to me about someone else, I will assume that you will eventually also talk about me behind my back.
Talking behind someone’s back erodes trust while we believe we are creating a bond. And the person being talked about will get it, even if the actual words don’t spread to them. Relationship toxins will cloud the space, and your colleague will sense that you hold them in low regard, without you saying one word to them.
The challenge is that relationship is key to communicating about behaviours that we find disrespectful, unproductive or problematic in terms of team performance. When our relationship is good, the other person can hear our concerns better, because they care for us and our relationship.
However, it’s really hard to lean into the relationship first, when we are unhappy, let alone triggered by someone.
Is there a way out of this trap?
Yes! I am excited to share a great resource to help you get into a helpful mind frame for the difficult conversation you need to have. Here’s what you do:
- Assess your level of curiosity, i.e. your openness, to the person whom you need to have the conversation with.
- See how you can shift along the curiosity curve, just one or two degrees towards more open curiosity about the other person’s perspective.
Opening up just a tiny little bit to their perspectives shifts your relationship before you even face that person again, because you have shifted yourself into a better starting place from which to give feedback. And you’ve shifted into a relationship space where your feedback can be better received.
Of course you can find many good feedback models out there, and here are a few of them. However, I bet you’ve already had plenty of feedback training. In order to apply what you’ve learnt, shifting your frame of mind might be the most helpful thing you can do to turn a feedback conversation into a valuable conversation for everyone.
